invisible children
My little boy turned seven a few weeks ago. His birthday is always incredibly bittersweet for me. With every year that goes by, I’m reminded of how much further he … Continue reading
tell them
The eighty-five-year-old driver who killed my wife, Desreen, was jailed today for eighteen months for causing her death by dangerous driving. He was also banned from driving for life. I … Continue reading
summer sabbatical
In July last year I decided to leave my job to be with my son. Actually, I’ll correct myself, I think it would be fair to say that life made … Continue reading
something yellow
I keep being asked how I feel about Father’s Day and what I have planned. The honest truth is that, because I’m lucky enough to already spend so much time … Continue reading
beautiful ladybirds
Earlier this week I met with a child psychologist to discuss my son; naturally I’m concerned about how he has and will respond to losing his mother at such a … Continue reading
painful motivation
I ran the London Marathon yesterday. Years ago, a friend asked if I’d ever fancied doing it before and I said no. That was partly because I thought I’d end up losing too … Continue reading
beyond pain
I don’t think I had ever cried over the death of a person I didn’t know until last night. As I was leaving work I heard the news that Peaches Geldof … Continue reading
expiry dates
Something hasn’t been right with me this week. I’ve felt a heavy sense of foreboding envelop me out of nowhere, and it has taken me ages to figure out why. After … Continue reading
mother’s day
Dear Mummy, Happy Mother’s Day. This will be my second one without you and I’m not even four yet. All the other children at nursery made cards for their mummies … Continue reading
male pride
A few weeks ago when I was staying away from home with friends, I asked them if they ever get any genuine sense of satisfaction from their own personal achievements … Continue reading
smiley faces
I’ve felt a great degree of tension about how to best raise my son since my wife was killed. Immediately after her death I did my very best to act … Continue reading
the couch
I’ve started seeing a counsellor again. I first tried psychotherapy a couple of months after my wife was killed but it just didn’t work out. I suppose I had it … Continue reading
fading butterflies
Some months after my wife died I realised that my son needed the sort of attention and affection that I wasn’t going to be able to provide whilst working full-time, … Continue reading
judgement day
A few days ago a fellow widower asked me what my views were on whether he should still wear his wedding ring. I thought about his question for a long … Continue reading
cover story
Last week I felt the sudden pang of an emotion that I haven’t experienced in a very long time: excitement. It took me entirely by surprise not least because it … Continue reading
distant friends
I got a call from a friend on Friday who was phoning to let me know that an ex-colleague of ours had died. The last time I ever heard from … Continue reading
twelve days
A few weeks ago I launched a rather scathing attack on Christmas in a post I published on this blog. I was feeling exceptionally low at the time, and perhaps … Continue reading
first thoughts
As much as I try to understand what is going on inside my son’s little head, I’ve come to realise that it’s impossible to really know what a toddler is … Continue reading
nativity play
One of the things I really struggle with as a widowed dad raising a toddler alone is that I find myself constantly questioning what my son’s behaviour would be like … Continue reading
mindful happiness
Since starting this blog almost a year ago, I’ve been pretty outspoken about my distaste for many of the clichés and platitudes so often offered as comfort to the bereaved. And … Continue reading
happy christmas
Having lost my wife late last year it probably goes without saying that 2013 has been an unhappy year for me, save the joy our little boy has continuously brought. But … Continue reading
christmas angel
This week I decided to give Christmas a go. This time last year my wife had only been buried a week, and yet somehow I felt more determined to try … Continue reading
truly privileged
I took on a train journey with my son yesterday. It sounds like a simple, everyday kind of thing to do and it was once. But some things that used … Continue reading
birthday boy
Jackson, my boy, as you’re three today, There are two or three things that I’d like say. There are one or two things you might never have known, And there … Continue reading
postfatal depression
After recently spending an enlightening weekend at a residential camp led by the child bereavement charity Grief Encounter, which was primarily devoted to children who had lost a parent, I began to … Continue reading
in training
When my wife first died late last year, one thing that really struck me was just how many presents our son received. Everyone was so generous but I couldn’t help … Continue reading
the boss
My last post received lots of really helpful comments about dealing with my son’s grief-related anger. So useful have they been, in fact, that he’s actually been much better today. And perhaps … Continue reading
empty reassurance
My son’s behaviour has taken a nosedive. He’s angry. He’s suddenly become all-too-frequently furious and ferocious. Not having the right lid for a pan or the exact piece of Lego … Continue reading
smiling eyes
My publisher got in touch last week to ask me who they should credit for a head shot I provided some time ago when I was first invited to write … Continue reading
dream on
Grieving for two can be a heavy load. The minute I get a little respite from my own pain, my son will do or say something that totally floors me … Continue reading
what if
What if we’d never left home that day, What if we’d travelled a different way. What if we’d gone by taxi not train, What if we’d only had starter not … Continue reading
eight months
The day after I started writing this blog I published a post entitled Imagining It as a way of responding to the frequent comment, “I just can’t imagine what you’re going through”. Six … Continue reading
marginalised grief
By the time my grandma passed away this week she had come to terms with her death. She had been suffering from pulmonary fibrosis, a scarring of the lung, which made … Continue reading
grief encounter
My mind is racing this morning as it has been all through the night. My head is so full of thoughts that I can barely decide how to commit them … Continue reading
park life
A few weeks ago I wrote a post about how sad I felt seeing my son so happy in the park. About how his first joyous experience of a bouncy … Continue reading
breathtaking boy
I always hate the idea of train travel with my son. It’s the not knowing how he’s going to behave that bothers me. I pray he’ll sleep for the whole … Continue reading
father’s day
It’s Father’s Day in the UK today. For those of us who are lucky enough to actually have a father, it’s probably a time to send a card, pick up … Continue reading
toddler grief
In January this year I wrote a feature for The Guardian about my experience of telling my son his mummy was dead. I guess at the time I hoped his pain would … Continue reading
primal scream
In the weeks following my wife’s death I was consumed by fear for our son’s future. How would he react? How would I tell him what had happened? Could he … Continue reading
inverted commas
Five months ago this week I set up this blog with just one intention. I wanted to help other young widowers find someone who could relate to the hell they … Continue reading
day off
Some mornings I wake up and wonder, ‘Should I have a day off from grief today?’. A whole day when I don’t analyse my loss, write about it or read … Continue reading
playing happy
This is a fourth guest post by my two-year-old son, Jackson Bo Brooks-Dutton. In Jackson’s fourth post, he shares his views on moving from the last home he ever shared … Continue reading
heavy happiness
The sun was shining on us today. I woke up feeling okay and decided it was time to get out and play. Being ill for a fortnight has not only … Continue reading
heaven’s gates
This is a guest post written by Bill Wright In January 2013 Bill (37) and wife Mandy (36) were excitedly making plans to buy a bigger ‘forever’ house. They had … Continue reading
dear mummy
Dear Mummy, This shot was just days before we had to say goodbye. Daddy couldn’t wait to show you but sadly he never got the chance. It’s been nearly six … Continue reading
past tense
Today marks six months since my wife was killed. This milestone has had me reflecting on the past. More specifically on the past tense. Something I’ve struggled with since the … Continue reading
tough question
On Friday my son woke several times in the night riddled with a fever brought on from chicken pox. However hard I tried, I couldn’t get him to swallow the … Continue reading
