LIFE AS A WIDOWER

A story of grief by a man and a boy

looking forward

I’m never quite sure why I choose not to write so much anymore. Part of it is inevitable: I no longer find myself wading through the thick, viscous grief that … Continue reading

December 31, 2016 · 6 Comments

crashing waves

A friend emailed me this morning after reading something he thought I might like to see. ‘Now in my defence,’ he began, ‘I never send you stuff like this, but I stumbled … Continue reading

August 11, 2015 · 18 Comments

board games

I used to play snakes and ladders with my family when I was a child. Being the youngest of three boys, it was one of the few games that levelled … Continue reading

March 6, 2015 · 11 Comments

tell them

The eighty-five-year-old driver who killed my wife, Desreen, was jailed today for eighteen months for causing her death by dangerous driving. He was also banned from driving for life. I … Continue reading

December 22, 2014 · 429 Comments

beautiful ladybirds

Earlier this week I met with a child psychologist to discuss my son; naturally I’m concerned about how he has and will respond to losing his mother at such a … Continue reading

April 20, 2014 · 15 Comments

painful motivation

I ran the London Marathon yesterday. Years ago, a friend asked if I’d ever fancied doing it before and I said no. That was partly because I thought I’d end up losing too … Continue reading

April 14, 2014 · 11 Comments

beyond pain

I don’t think I had ever cried over the death of a person I didn’t know until last night. As I was leaving work I heard the news that Peaches Geldof … Continue reading

April 8, 2014 · 42 Comments

expiry dates

Something hasn’t been right with me this week. I’ve felt a heavy sense of foreboding envelop me out of nowhere, and it has taken me ages to figure out why. After … Continue reading

April 6, 2014 · 98 Comments

dreading things

Hangovers are a funny old business. In that moment when I’m about to down something that looks radioactive and tastes like it might kill me, I rarely think ahead to how … Continue reading

March 29, 2014 · 3 Comments

the couch

I’ve started seeing a counsellor again. I first tried psychotherapy a couple of months after my wife was killed but it just didn’t work out. I suppose I had it … Continue reading

March 13, 2014 · 22 Comments

just everything

Some days are really hard: some because something specific happens and others because nothing specific happens at all. These days I find the latter the most challenging; the days when … Continue reading

February 12, 2014 · 8 Comments

subtle moments

I went out for dinner with an old friend last night. Jackson wasn’t too pleased about me leaving the house, allegedly because he was concerned that it was my bedtime … Continue reading

January 17, 2014 · Leave a comment

cover story

Last week I felt the sudden pang of an emotion that I haven’t experienced in a very long time: excitement. It took me entirely by surprise not least because it … Continue reading

January 15, 2014 · 10 Comments

distant friends

I got a call from a friend on Friday who was phoning to let me know that an ex-colleague of ours had died. The last time I ever heard from … Continue reading

January 13, 2014 · 8 Comments

one million

Today marks the first anniversary of my blog, Life as a Widower. It has been a year since I published the inaugural post and as coincidence would have it I can … Continue reading

January 6, 2014 · 7 Comments

first thoughts

As much as I try to understand what is going on inside my son’s little head, I’ve come to realise that it’s impossible to really know what a toddler is … Continue reading

January 1, 2014 · 3 Comments

conflicted year

This time last year my wife had been dead for just seven weeks. Although a number of friends had invited me to spend New Year’s Eve with them, I decided … Continue reading

December 31, 2013 · 5 Comments

wonderful life

Last night I watched the old black and white film It’s a Wonderful Life for the first time. Released in 1946, thirty-three years before I was born, it’s about an angel-in-training who … Continue reading

December 30, 2013 · 6 Comments

love letters

In June 1997 a journalist called Mary Schmich published a column in the Chicago Tribune entitled ‘Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young‘. I was at university when the column … Continue reading

December 22, 2013 · 3 Comments

mindful happiness

Since starting this blog almost a year ago, I’ve been pretty outspoken about my distaste for many of the clichés and platitudes so often offered as comfort to the bereaved. And … Continue reading

December 16, 2013 · 11 Comments

happy christmas

Having lost my wife late last year it probably goes without saying that 2013 has been an unhappy year for me, save the joy our little boy has continuously brought. But … Continue reading

December 12, 2013 · 7 Comments

remembrance sunday

Today is the first anniversary of Desreen’s death and contemplating what to write has troubled me more than anything else I’ve published this year. The temptation to say nothing at … Continue reading

November 10, 2013 · 34 Comments

remembering daddy

This is a guest post by Tanya Leary  Tanya is mum to two daughters aged ten months and two years and is the writer behind Mumaleary’s Blog. Here she shares her … Continue reading

November 3, 2013 · 16 Comments

the end

This is Life as a Widower’s very first illustrated guest post by Anders Nilsen I first read about Anders Nilsen, a cartoonist from the States, in an interview with The Guardian, which was published … Continue reading

October 24, 2013 · 15 Comments

birthday boy

Jackson, my boy, as you’re three today, There are two or three things that I’d like say. There are one or two things you might never have known, And there … Continue reading

October 17, 2013 · 42 Comments

the boss

My last post received lots of really helpful comments about dealing with my son’s grief-related anger. So useful have they been, in fact, that he’s actually been much better today. And perhaps … Continue reading

September 26, 2013 · 15 Comments

cat guy

I’ve been toying with an idea for this blog for some time but, until now, it’s made me rather nervous. When I wrote and published my first post back in … Continue reading

September 20, 2013 · 9 Comments

burst bubble

This is a guest post by Kathi Palitz Kathi is 33 years old and mother to three daughters. Her middle daughter, Vega, was diagnosed with acute lymphoblastic leukaemia in January … Continue reading

September 19, 2013 · 8 Comments

getting easier

I gave chocolate and sweets up for Lent once. The first few days were the hardest because that was the time when I thought and talked about the sacrifice the … Continue reading

August 26, 2013 · 21 Comments

time travel

I remember the pain of last November well. And I remember lying awake all night in bed searching my mind for answers and the internet for solutions to that pain. … Continue reading

July 26, 2013 · 16 Comments

what if

What if we’d never left home that day, What if we’d travelled a different way. What if we’d gone by taxi not train, What if we’d only had starter not … Continue reading

July 22, 2013 · 26 Comments

meaning it

I’ve got a bulging folder in my Hotmail account entitled ‘offers of help’. I had this kind of twisted fantasy going around in my head after my wife died whereby … Continue reading

July 19, 2013 · 23 Comments

comfortably numb

“I can’t explain. You would not understand. This is not how I am. I have become comfortably numb.” – Pink Floyd I’ve half-written lots of posts this week that haven’t made it onto … Continue reading

July 18, 2013 · 7 Comments

having faith

This is a guest post by Katherine Cline Katherine and I recently got chatting over email. Sadly we have a lot in common. Her husband Wesley died unexpectedly on 30th March … Continue reading

July 14, 2013 · 5 Comments

eight months

The day after I started writing this blog I published a post entitled Imagining It as a way of responding to the frequent comment, “I just can’t imagine what you’re going through”. Six … Continue reading

July 10, 2013 · 9 Comments

goodbye grandma

My maternal grandma died this afternoon. She was the last of my grandparents to go. She was an incredible woman, an incredible grandmother and, most of all, an incredible friend. … Continue reading

July 8, 2013 · 10 Comments

spelling boobies

I used to laugh a lot at the stark contrast between human behaviour back home in the north of England and life in London. The best way I can sum … Continue reading

June 26, 2013 · 21 Comments

breathtaking boy

I always hate the idea of train travel with my son. It’s the not knowing how he’s going to behave that bothers me. I pray he’ll sleep for the whole … Continue reading

June 25, 2013 · 15 Comments

like this

I’ve been gradually falling into a low mood for several weeks. The word depressed in its clinical sense is wrong, because I am not ill. But in its way of … Continue reading

June 19, 2013 · 33 Comments

engaging memories

I’m sitting in the spot in Regent’s Park where Desreen and I got engaged four years ago this week. It’s a day much like that one. Warm but overcast. Close. … Continue reading

June 18, 2013 · 9 Comments

father’s day

It’s Father’s Day in the UK today. For those of us who are lucky enough to actually have a father, it’s probably a time to send a card, pick up … Continue reading

June 16, 2013 · 10 Comments

annabel’s angels

This is a special Father’s Day guest post by Simon Hancox Simon’s wife Annabel was diagnosed with secondary breast cancer in April 2012. She died just after Christmas last year, … Continue reading

June 15, 2013 · 2 Comments

losing zoë

This is a guest post by Walter and Dorothy Schwarz This story is exceptionally close to my heart. It’s about the suicide of a girl who I never met, which in … Continue reading

June 7, 2013 · 9 Comments

inverted commas

Five months ago this week I set up this blog with just one intention. I wanted to help other young widowers find someone who could relate to the hell they … Continue reading

June 5, 2013 · 21 Comments

butterfly sanctuary

This is a guest post written by Emilie Adams Emilie, 44, is from France and lives in London with her family. She was happily married to Rob until 24th March … Continue reading

May 31, 2013 · 33 Comments

day off

Some mornings I wake up and wonder, ‘Should I have a day off from grief today?’. A whole day when I don’t analyse my loss, write about it or read … Continue reading

May 28, 2013 · 19 Comments

our song

A couple of weeks ago I mentioned that I’d written a song with my musician friend Paul Hand. Well it’s out today and proceeds from its downloads will go to … Continue reading

April 29, 2013 · 4 Comments