A story of grief by a man and a boy

crisis point

Don’t panic, I’m actually having quite a nice day so far. Mostly because ever since I woke up at 5am I’ve been able to hear my wife’s voice in my head making me laugh and being, well, just being her. You see, she had a way about her that’s quite hard to explain. Funny as anything but not one for cracking jokes. She found humour in the things around her that other people missed. She also found few things more amusing than her friends being daft, annoying, vulgar or slapstick. And she thought it was hilarious when I made the wrong choices.

‘Do these brogues look good with these shorts?’

‘Do you think I could get away with wearing these trainers at my age?’

‘Don’t you think we should buy something more practical for the living room?’

‘What’s wrong with you, Benji. Do we need to talk? Did something happen at school that you’d like to tell to me about? What are you thinking? I think we should leave all the decisions to me. It’s sweet of you to make all of these suggestions, but I think you need to calm down and stop trying to be so independent.’ 

Perhaps I’m having a good day and one that’s going to see me approaching my situation with a touch of humour, because I’m finding myself worrying about the most vacuous things that might previously only have occupied my pre-widower mind.

Should I get another tattoo?

Have I arranged the furniture and the nicknacks in the new house the way she would? 

Should I get the practical car or the one I want? 

Am I going to look ridiculous in the new clothes I bought for the wedding I’m attending next week given that Desreen didn’t get chance to either tell me I look nice or about on the floor laughing at me trying to style myself?  

Am I going to start my midlife crisis at 33 simply because I don’t have my life consultant here to keep me in check? 

God only knows what’s going to become of me now she’s not around, but one thing is for sure. When I realise I’ve made the wrong decisions at least they will give me a laugh. I can already hear her pissing herself at the idea of me digging out my hi-tops in a bid to recapture a bit of my old self.


6 comments on “crisis point

  1. Kate
    May 25, 2013

    Ah Ben you made me laugh today. You wear what you think is cool even if it wrong (from a woman’s point if view) and Desreen will have a wee giggle in heaven.

  2. Natalie hurst
    May 25, 2013

    Don’t worry Ben I just bought some new hi tops – didn’t even dig out old ones – so at least if hi tops are uncool, there are a few of us in it together (and a few laughs in heaven!) x

  3. Dave Varley
    May 25, 2013

    This made me laugh! My late fiancee would always keep my sense of ‘style’ in check. I still recall her refusing to leave the house with me until i changed out of “those ridiculous turquoise shoes”. One year on, and you know what, sod it, if I like ’em, I’ll wear ’em! Although now its a pair of lime green hi-tops. She really would not approve.

  4. lesley
    May 25, 2013

    Love this post Ben.and love the trainers. We are now able to remember with fondness my brothers mad fashion sense – the brighter the better as far as he was concerned and so what if things clashed. He wore what he wanted and what made him happy.and thats just what you should do

  5. Judy
    May 25, 2013

    I laughed when I read your post today. I thought of my dad and how at first he wouldn’t move a thing or get anything for the house for the longest time after my mom died. I took over the role of telling him his clothing didn’t match (he was seriously color-blind!). I knew he was getting a bit reconciled to the fact that my mom was gone permanently when he put his new computer (we’re talking 1978- my dad was always seriously into gadgets- my mom was not) on the kitchen counter. It made me sad in a way, but happy in many more ways because I knew my dad was starting to live again and cope with the loss of my mom. I, too, love your new trainers- or sneakers as we call them here in the States!

    P.S. Got the poster in the mail last week and it has a lovely home in my knitting room (that’s what you get when your children grow up and you take over their bedrooms!).Thank you…

  6. Naomii
    May 27, 2013

    I reckon you are more Des trained than you give yourself credit for :)… Your life consultant is still effective even if not physically present. X

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