Life as a Widower

A young widowed father opening up about living with loss

five months

Today marks five months since my wife was killed. It’s also three months since I started writing this blog and by this time next week our son will be two and a half. This sonnet (of sorts) explains how I feel about the passage of time since Desreen’s untimely death. 

So-not 5

Set not my life on your watch,

Measure me not in time I pray,

My heart has moved on not a notch,

Not five months, no, one long painful day.

Hold not your breath for progress,

Your lungs will not survive the test,

See not my smile as success,

Not five months, no, just empty time bereft.

Forget me not if you don’t see me,

I flower not, I’m but a seed,

A new season it will not be,

Not five months, no, a harsh winter, indeed.

Set not my life on your watch, expect time to neither take nor give,

Put not my heart before your own, I beg, make time to love and live.

Living and loving. Me and Desreen on our wedding day.

Living and loving. Me and Desreen on our wedding day.

11 comments on “five months

  1. Naomii
    April 10, 2013

    I have been reading your blog from the very start and have become very emotionally involved and interested in yours and Jackson’s journey and fond of stories of Desreen … She sounds like such a phenomenal woman and the fact she is no longer here with you and Jackson pains me and I don’t even know you . …so when I try to imagine what it must do to you…I simply can’t.
    Love and all the best vibes sent out to you and Jackson. x

  2. I am so sorry for your loss.

  3. Avril Lamb
    April 10, 2013

    Naomii’s comment above pretty much captures my experience of your blog. Your latest post is very powerful, gets me in the gut. I so wish you and Jackson all the very best in this dreadfully unwished for journey you have no choice but to travel on.

  4. Zoë
    April 10, 2013

    I have recently discovered your blog and everytime it brings tears to my eyes and gives me goosebumps … Your wife looks absolutely beautiful (as I’m sure you know) … My nephew’s middle name is Jackson (and my surname is Jackson so good name :-)) I live in Thailand and the Buddhist belief is everything is fluid and moves on so there is no death, it’s all circular … I know that’s hard to accept when you obviously miss her presence so so much but maybe it can be comforting in some way … My heart truly goes out to you and thank you for sharing your feelings to the world, i know you are helping hundreds of people – including friends of mine – feel their not on their own and help them come to terms with their own loss … it must be mind-numbing but what joy you have in your little boy who I expect is also beautiful 🙂

  5. Faith
    April 11, 2013

    This is so, so beautiful.

  6. Ken
    April 14, 2013

    This really got to me Ben. As always, beautifully put. I hope you have friends around you who understand this

    • lifeasawidower.com
      April 24, 2013

      I really do. I’m blessed in that respect. None of them can even process that it’s happened never mind put any pressure on me to move on, whatever the hell that means.

  7. lynn
    April 23, 2013

    ive just found your blog, as a widower I understand your pain, but the reason im writing is your soo much stronger than me. I hid away. 9 years later ive never gt over it. I still cry and ive never moved on. but to know their are others out their that understand my pain makes my life a little easier. when your widowed young, no one knows what to say. thank you. and good luck to you

    • lifeasawidower.com
      April 24, 2013

      I don’t think I’m strong. I’m not trying to be either. I’m just writing in the hope it can help people realise they’re not alone in their feelings. I’ve no idea what the future holds but I fully expect to be a total mess at some point.

  8. lucy
    March 31, 2014

    What happened to her if you don’t mind me asking? She was gorgeous.

    • Life as a Widower
      March 31, 2014

      She was hit by a car. If you take a look at the ‘about’ page, there’s more detail.

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