helping widows
It’s so interesting to observe human behaviour when you lose someone. Those who haven’t experienced close loss often find it impossible to know what to do or say, so they neither do nor say anything. They don’t think it’s their place to express how they feel and they think grief has a kind of hierarchy that they are too low down on, so they hang on the imaginary sidelines too afraid they won’t get it right. They haven’t been taught and they haven’t learnt how to handle the situation.
The honest truth is there is no right or wrong way to approach a person stunned by grief, but if you look hard enough there are some wonderful guidelines that sum up exactly how newly widowed people want their friends and family to behave around them. And thank God there are, because when you’re grieving you just aren’t articulate, brave or strong enough to say any of them yourself.
That’s where the charity Care for the Family came in. They sent me this link, which I in turn sent to some of my nearest and dearest so that they could begin to understand what they could do to help. It means I no longer have to muster the energy to think of jobs for them to do when I can barely decide what socks to wear.
I urge you to read it, save it and share it with anyone who has recently been widowed. It’s helped me enormously.
21 comments on “helping widows”
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I have been reading every single posts Ben – they are incredibly sincere and touching. I haven’t stopped thinking about you since November and yet it’s been hard to ‘say something’ as you so rightly describe in this post.So I just wanted to tell you this : you and Jackson are always in our thoughts .
Funny that they are the words people have used most often but for some reason they just made me cry on the bus x
Je pense à toi Et Jackson tout le temps.
Maybe that way they’ll be a bit more ‘me’ x
Merci beaucoup, Lucie xx
Ben, my friend lost her mother before christmas and her Dad and her are still grieving. I have been crap at speaking to her over the last couple of weeks, this post, and reading the link, made me get up and walk out of a meeting and go and call her regardless the 8 hour time difference. Thanks for helping others, when no one could blame you for just wanting to help yourself. You’re an amazing lad, and you’re making everyone a better person x
Thanks for sharing that story Chris. I hope you’re doing well over there.
Wow Ben I’ve been following all ur blogs on this and u truly are amazing, I knew u were already cos ur my cuz but I just wanted u to know that I’m always thinking of u and little Jackson xxx love u lots and keep blogging it makes us realise how precious everything in life is xxxx lots of love and hugs SLD. X x
Love you Sal xx
Just left a message on BBC breakfast fb page
been a widow since 2002,was married for 7 years. My wife had alot of health issues – sickle cell being the main one which did take her life.
Thanks for sharing ur heart/pain/experience.
Feel free to get in touch mate.
The WAY Foundation http://www.way foundation.org.uk/ has tried for 13 years to provide the support that widowers/widows search for. Unfortunately, men are in the minority 85% are ladies. This is more to do with the sad fact more men die prematurely than women
I’ve signed up
Men are in the minority but not that much of a minority. Its my experience that men are much more business as usual, practical and involved in forming the boys club. Not that there’s any wrong/rights in the grieving process: we all do the best we can at the time. However, if only the men could be as open (if not as eloquent as Ben) everyone would benefit. WAY are great in my experience..and/or Grief Encounter.www.griefencounter.org.uk.
Hi Ben,
I’m really sorry for your loss, Desreen sounds like a wonderful person and I’m thinking of you and your son. I found your blog through the Guardian article, I’m 28 and my Dad died suddenly in September. Although our situations are different I just wanted to thank you for what you have shared so far; your words really strike a chord with me and it makes me feel less alone. Thank you again,
Jennifer
Reading this blog reminded me of something said to me about people who are unable to talk about the situation. She called it The Elephant in the Room, everyone knows it’s there but no one speaks about it. We learn a lot about so many things in life, but never about grief or death, so are supremely unprepared for it. You are so thoughtful to share the links.
Thank you Ben
I have not experienced close loss so that link was really helpful, at times of untimely deaths even my body language has gone to pieces. because i assumed that I should be behaving a certain way and it has been hard and sometimes I have been guilty of shying away… instead … I wrote…what it helped im unsure. but it helped x
After reading your blog every day. I now know what the above comment helped…It helps thought and expression… Thank you, x
Thank u for the do’s and don’t has helped me think about what i say and do for my friend. Xx
Thank you for this. It’s been 18 months since my sister died leaving behind a husband and a toddler. I wish I’d found your blog back in January last year so I could have sent it to my friends then, but I’ve found it now and it’s helping although emotional. I’ve avoided trying to imagine what my brother-in-law is going through because my own pain is so raw but coming across this now having heard you on Women’s hour I think I can stop having to ‘avoid it’.
Hi there, the link doesn’t work anymore ?
Hi there – just replaced it so it should be working now
Hi there. i have lost my husband very young and was left with a 4y.o. daughter. After several years everybody thinks that all pain should be gone by now and i struggle to even explain that it never ever is even going to be any less than it was on the day he was gone. And love – that feeling lives forever – i gave mine away once and i dont have any other.