Life as a Widower

A young widowed father opening up about living with loss

first thoughts

As much as I try to understand what is going on inside my son’s little head, I’ve come to realise that it’s impossible to really know what a toddler is thinking. I don’t suppose it’s possible to really know what anyone is thinking, but at least with an adult you can ask them and get something like a straight answer. By way of an experiment I just asked Jackson what was on his mind and no sooner had he replied ‘Nothing!’ than he changed his answer to ‘Dinosaur!’

By contrast, when I woke up this morning I was thinking about it being a new year. This, I realised, means that I will never again be able to say that the last time I saw my wife was last year. I was thinking Desreen rather than dinosaur. I really miss her.

Jackson woke up soon after I did and, although I knew he would have no idea what I was talking about, I wished him a happy new year. ‘Merry Christmas, Daddy!’ he replied much to my amusement.

406352_10151111546685380_1477505009_n.jpgHe noticed that I was looking at this picture of Desreen and me from our wedding day on my phone. ‘That’s my daddy! I love you, Dad!’ he began. ‘And that’s my mummy! She’s got roses in her hair. She’s gone away in the sky. We miss Mummy.’

It turned out that our first thoughts of 2014 were roughly the same. It hurts me terribly that my little boy already has to face his life without her. And yet, after hearing what is on his mind today, I’m so grateful that a three-year-old boy, who lost his mummy when he’d only just turned two, seems as aware of her now as he was before she died nearly fourteen months ago. 

Wishing you all the best for 2014.

3 comments on “first thoughts

  1. Fi
    January 1, 2014

    I too lost my partner in Dec 2012 and I feel that I am now moving further and further away from the life we shared. I liked being able to say ‘this time last year’ and now I can’t. You’re obviously doing a great job keeping Desreen’s memory alive for Jackson – which must be so bittersweet for you. Sending you and Jackson much love for 2014 xx

  2. Claudio Faenza Keplinger
    January 1, 2014

    I lost my wife nov 14 and have a 10 days to be 3 year old son, I am glad I found your blog. My story is very similar than yours

  3. J. Shah
    January 1, 2014

    Wishing you and Jackson all the best for 2014.

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