Life as a Widower

A young widowed father opening up about living with loss

involuntary chuckle

One of the many reasons I hate being a widower is that it’s just not me. Sometimes when I read back what I’ve written I get annoyed at what a miserable bastard I’ve become. I used to be all about having fun. My friends would tell you that I even used to refuse to go to bed after a night out just in case I missed out on any.

Well today’s a tough day but as I walked back from buying ‘big boy pants’ for my potty training child, an involuntary chuckle made its way past my lips. I was thinking ‘my kingdom for some Valium’ as I remembered taking some on Friday morning. I didn’t want to cry whilst I was out at Thomas Land with Jackson and I was determined to have some fun. Knowing how I’d felt for the last seven days I knew intervention was the only way forward (please do not try this at home kids).

Forgetting I’d taken it, I turned to my mother-in-law to ask her why she thought I was barely able to hold my green tea without nodding off. She laughed, reminded me I had sedated myself and handed me a king size Snickers for energy.

That just reminded me of the funniest thing I’d seen in ages. Exhausted from a day out riding the railways and surrounded by his favourite ‘steamies’, Jackson swapped the tracks for a taxi back to the station.

Just like his daddy, he was shattered but couldn’t bear to part himself from the party. Just like his daddy, he wanted to finish his refreshment but his eyelids were getting the better of him.

Never until that moment had I ever seen a child attempt to eat an ice cream while asleep. Never until that moment had I ever seen Jackson behave so much like me.

So for once, have a laugh on me…

11 comments on “involuntary chuckle

  1. Avril Lamb
    June 10, 2013

    Every one of your posts is bittersweet, human, funny, tragic, everything. Very many faceted, which makes them rich reading. They give us extraordinary glimpses not only into your own emotional journey, but the universal journey of loss, sadness, grief, adjustment, loneliness which besets us all at some point in our lives.

    Go well.

  2. Jenny Hunt
    June 10, 2013

    That is so wonderful Ben.x

  3. amredmond
    June 10, 2013

    Aww he’s such a babe. xxxx

  4. Bill Wright
    June 10, 2013

    That is so funny! My first response to this post was thinking how well Jackson can simultaneously pull off the look of being uber cute and uber cool. Second response, where do I get myself some of this valium?! Just googled it and looks like it might be dodgy for people with respiratory conditions (asthma and bronchitis here) and people with a history of depression (I’ve certainly been prone to dark periods of being a miserable git for as long as I can remember). Looks like I’ll have to stick to my nightly bottle of old man Ale that I have got into since Anni died, to take the edge off an emotionally draining day. I’ve been thinking about looking into some kind of meditation course, but not sure if it is me….

  5. Michelle glenister
    June 10, 2013

    Your son is very cute :) x x

  6. andrea lois
    June 10, 2013

    My niece does that with quavers :) So funny :)

  7. macrothings
    June 10, 2013

    One day it will be Jackson taking a video of you falling asleep whilst eating(revenge is so sweet !).

  8. 1writeplace
    June 10, 2013

    Wonderful news of a great moment! thank you so much for starting my day with this.

  9. Katherine
    June 10, 2013

    What a sweet boy!! I too was once the life of the party, all smiles and witty conversation. Widowhood wears like many of my clothes lately, too big and shapeless for my body but it is all I have to put on each day.

    Finding the moments to chuckle and smile may be the glimmer of hope in a period of sad days. And a sweet little boy dazedly licking an ice cream while fighting sleepies is perfect.

  10. Trawlergirl
    June 10, 2013

    Awwww, so sweet!
    My son used to do this with bananas! If I ever wanted my son to have a nap in the car, I would just give him a banana!

  11. Mo
    May 8, 2014

    bless! what a cutie-pie!

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